Random
by Infinity-R-Us
Summary: "Sir, a cat, a goat and a panda just walked into the gate room!"  "Is this a joke?"  No, in fact this was just a typical day in the Pegasus Galaxy.  From Prank Wars to ducktape and the misadventures of SGA-13: life is never boring on Atlantis!
1. Random ideas that didn't work

_Disclaimer: We do not own Stargate Atlantis, Stargate SG1, Star Wars, Star Trek, Dragonball Z or any other story/movie/series we haven't yet thought not to own. Whatever, you get the idea, we're poor._

_Authors' note: Grumpy II actually helped with this one – without being forced (Trust us, that was the scary part – oh, and one day we'll sit down and explain how we can all be family while yet having 1 Hubby thrown in)! Silver Pixie is AWOL, though. But we're planning a rescue mission._

_Oh, and how 'Random' works is a bit complicated, but we're sure you are smart enough to figure it out._

_To insanity, and beyond!_

**Random sci-fi concepts that wouldn't work**

John Sheppard stepped into the main lab, but it was deserted. Looking around, the only clue he could find was a note left on Rodney McKay's desk: 'Gone 4 coffee.'

Strange, he thought. But as there was only one place in the city – besides the lab – that served coffee, John headed out towards the mess hall. As he drew near the smell of warm, rich coffee made even his mouth water. Then he heard the chatter coming from the mess hall. Strange, he thought again. At this time of day the mess hall was usually empty!

He stepped around the corner. He stopped in his tracks: in the mess hall _all_ the scientists were gathered, each with a steaming mug of coffee. On the wall behind the counter was a sign: 'BOTTOMLESS COFFEE.' Oh, dear, with all that coffee, there was no hope of getting the scientists back into the lab!

He then noticed Elizabeth Weir to one side, leaning against a column. She had her arms folded and was scowling slightly. He walked over to her.

"Your idea?"

"Yeah," she answered.

"Bad idea," he told her, looking at the crowd. Then he turned and raised his eyebrows, trying to look as endearing as possible. "Good concept, bad idea," he repeated.

"I know, it's kind of like having Oprah having an interview with the Wraith about their feeding habits," she wryly admitted.

"Or like having an anti-nuclear convention on the Genii-homeworld," Rodney suddenly added, having quietly joined the conversation.

And thus the list was born. Before either Sheppard or Weir could do anything about it, one of the scientists had produced a white-board and marker, and the challenge was taken up:

Sci-fi concepts that wouldn't work:

Bottomless coffee on Atlantis.

_That had been proven already: the scientists were all caffeine junkies._

Oprah interviewing the Wraith on feeding habits.

_A room full of trusting people, live television and a Wraith...need we say more?_

Anti-nuclear conference on the Genii-homeworld.

_The Genii loved their atomic bombs. They were willing to die for their atomic bombs._

_They were crazy!_

Travel agency on the Genii-homeworld.

_Okay, as long as you're willing to participate in a lot of harvest-festivals and being poisoned by radiation, then that planet is a paradise!_

"Really, who would go there?" Rodney added. "They're all a bunch of wannabe space-Nazis!"

A tanning salon on P3M-736.

"Where is that?" one of the scientists – who admittedly didn't get out much – asked.

"That's the planet where we found Ronon," Teyla explained.

"Among other things," Lorne grumbled. He hadn't liked the planet one bit! And that was the trip he learned SGA-2 was to be stuck with Doctor Parrish as their geek.

"Who's Ronon?" the same scientist asked. The room fell silent.

"He's joking, right?" John asked.

"Nope, probably not," Rodney grinned. "I told you I was surrounded by idiots!"

"No, really, who's Ronon?" the scientist asked again, but the conversation had passed him by and the next concept was coined.

Second-hand electronics store on the Replicator homeworld.

Old-age home on M7G-677.

"Oh, goodness, that's the planet with all the kids!" Radek Zelenka groaned. He had been sent there once, but a planet populated by people under the age of 30 years, freaked him out. That and the beads...he really didn't do kids!

Disbanding biological warfare-agents on the Hoffan planet.

_They really liked their drug. It was just sad that they hadn't developed it properly before using it. Now a third of the planet has died because of the Hoffan drug. It's actually not that funny, now that they thought about it._

"I have one," Kavanagh suddenly piped up:

Japanese whaling-freighter on Atlantea.

Rodney casually picked up John's empty mug and hurled it at Kavanagh's head. Unfortunately he missed, though.

"Leave Sam alone!" Rodney exclaimed.

Parenting seminar on Replicator homeworld.

_Everybody knew the Replicators had serious daddy-issues._

Exterminators on P9T-664.

"I hate those things!" John grumbled. "Although you are welcome to try killing all those bugs!"

The rest of the group looked at the point, thinking of just how vicious the Iratus-bugs were. No way was anyone going to try and exterminate them! Then rather get Rodney to blow up the whole solar system – or 5/6; it's not an exact science, after all.

Then one of the marines added a point:

An all-you-can-eat buffet on planet Vegeta.

_Everybody knows Sayans can eat! The buffet would be bankrupt in an hour!_

As he turned around from the white-board, the marine found all eyes on him: big eyes.

"What?" he asked. "So I like Dragonball Z! I'm sure you geeks can come up with a few Star Wars concepts!" he added.

And so they did:

Ice-cream parlour on ice planet Hoth.

_Any explanations needed?_

Day-spa on Degoba.

_So Yoda's planet offered great mud-treatments. But the smell could kill you!_

Greenpeace on the city-planet Corruscant.

_Yes, we geeks get it. Will somebody now explain it to the marines?_

By now the marines were feeling edgy. So it was their turn:

An atheist convention on the Ori-homeworld.

_Atheist vs evil-ancients who had a god-complex. _

The marines thought it was funny. The scientists: not so much. Woolsey would have liked it, though.

Designer boutiques on Azgard-planet.

_Naked grey aliens...need we say more?_

Snake charmers on a Goa'uld mother-ship.

_Those snakes really didn't have a good sense of humor._

"Our turn," Zelenka piped up. he was still smarting over the comment about M7G-677.

Zen tea-garden on Kronos.

_Homeworld of the Klingons, remember?_

Then Miko grinned and took the marker from Zelenka:

'Adult World' on Vulcan.

_Pon-far happens only once every 7 years. And Vulcans are emotionally repressed._

The marines looked at her. The scientists grinned.

"I didn't know she had it in her!" Lorne whispered to Cadman.

"You should see her at girls-poker night!"

Kitchenware-shop on Wraith ship.

_They ate with their hands, after all._

Gothic nightclub on planet with Ancient sanctuary behind the time-dilation field.

_When spelled out like that, the punch-line seems kind of weak. But just think about it..._

Low-hanging ceiling fans on Andoria.

_Aliens with antennae..._

"That would work on planet Namek, as well," the marine from earlier piped up.

"Seems there's a lot of geek going around today," John grinned. Lorne scowled at him.

Self-help seminar on a Borg ship.

_Resistance might be futile, but those self-help people always want to push their luck. Too bad the Borg had no sense of self._

Then Weir stepped forward, took the marker and added two lines:

Plastic surgery on Proculus.

_I'd love to see Athar's reaction to that!_

"Athar?" Ronon asked.

"Remember Chaya? Beautiful ascended woman John had a fling with," Rodney explained.

Everyone looked at John and Elizabeth.

"Touchy, isn't she?" Ronon asked nobody in particular.

Anger management on Vulcan.

_Only for any frustrated humans/Klingons/Ferengi/Andorians stranded there._

Hippocratic-oath on Hoffan planet.

"Haven't we discussed them before?" John asked. They considered it. Then Beckett crossed it out:

27. Hippocratic-oath on Hoffan planet.

"They have issues, leave them alone, okay?" Beckett told them.

27. Charity-drive on Ferenginar.

_Alien society based on profit. The Red Cross would come home poorer than before!_

Woman's lib on Ferenginar.

_They own their women, remember?_

Laura Cadman had been the one to add that to the board. Life in the marines was a constant struggle for a woman. But then again, after the first bomb she had painted pink – with little hearts – before attaching it to a Wraith ship and happily blowing it up, the men had learned to steer clear of her where insults were concerned!

Solar panels on the fog-planet M5S-224.

_Sentient fog: you'll never see the sun in real life again._

The group looked at the board.

"We need another one," Rodney said. "So it looks nice and rounded."

"We can always add the Hoffan-one again?" Lorne suggested. Carson planned to use a big syringe on him the next time Lorne came to the infirmary!

Then John suddenly grinned, picked up the marker and added a final point:

Family-counselling for Rodney McKay and Jeannie Miller.

The discussion abruptly ended as Rodney chased John out the door, wielding a frying pan.

"Hey, that reminds me of DBZ," the marine remarked. Radek turned to the marine, yelling:

"Would you stop it with the Dragonball!"


	2. Random musical moment

_This moment of insanity is brought to you courtesy of Diabolical Pink Bunny and Meagra Solace. Silver Pixie was off playing with her flowers, and though Hubby helped with the planning phase, he was passed out during the writing phase. And we're not even going to talk about the Grumpies!_

_Play list: Atlantis is calling by Modern talking_

**Random musical moment**

It was regular afternoon at the SCG. The only anomaly was General O'Neill. He, along with two IOA representatives and a pentagon official were visiting the mountain. And though everyone was calmly proceeding with their normal duties, O'Neill looked anxious. For some reason he seemed to be hovering. The problem was just that he was hovering in the control room and Sam Carter was getting seriously annoyed at the man. It did not matter that they really liked one another, it was still bothersome.

And then, once more, O'Neill looked at his watch. It was the third time in ten minutes. Sam had wanted to tell him to cut it out, but from experience she knew it would not help. But this time she turned around and nodded at him; slightly and just once.

Just then Daniel and Teal'c stepped into the control room, General Landry and the officials in tow.

"And this is the control room," Daniel was saying. Teal'c was grinning slightly: something that was obviously freaking the officials just a little out. The Jaffa wasn't known for his humour. Every now and then one of them would look sideways at the alien warrior, but his only reaction was to tilt his head slightly and grin even more.

Just as the officials were reaching a high in anxiety, the stargate started dialling.

"Unscheduled off-world activation," Walter reported. He, too, was grinning. On queue the marines ran into the gate room and took up position near the gate. They held their weapons at the ready.

"Who is it?" General Landry demanded, but nobody answered him. Meanwhile the seventh chevron encoded, yet the wormhole wasn't established yet.

"Who is it?" Landry repeated just as the eighth chevron locked and the wormhole was established.

The moment the event-horizon stabilized, the marines down in the gate room started singing:

"Atlantis is calling SOS for love," while they twirled their P-90's and threw them in the air. As one they turned around – each side of the gate in a different direction – and neatly caught the weapons again. All the while they kept their heads down; only their helmets showing. It was impossible to know who was down there.

"Atlantis is calling," they continued. About half of them – the half closer to the window – kneeled while the other half smartly saluted the stargate, their P-90's neatly grasped. "From the stars above," they sang (surprisingly in tune). Those kneeling threw their arms in the air in salute. Those standing threw their P-90's in the air once more. As the weapons came down, the standing marines caught them perfectly and brought them to their chests. At exactly the same time the kneeling marines brought their hands together and down – almost prayer-like.

"What the hell is going on here?" one of the generals demanded. But the show wasn't over yet.

"Atlantis is calling SOS for love," the show continued down in the gate room. The standing marines stepped forward, grabbed the kneeling marines under their arms and helped them up. But the motion continued through and the kneeling marines somersaulted backwards onto the ramp.

"Atlantis is calling," they sang, all of them in two neat rows. As they sang the rows split in the middle from top to bottom and the marines turned to face outwards, mucho-ly swinging their arms nearest the control room. "It's too hot to stop," had them stamping their feet, turning to face the stargate and throw up their arms in a stopping motion. On 'stop' the stargate deactivated with a final 'whoosh.'

Immediately the marines down in the gate room marched out the two side doors, leaving the room eerily quiet. Above, in the control room, silence reigned for a moment. Then everyone started talking at the same time.

Well, almost everyone. SG-1 was the only ones not talking. Instead they all seemed to be fighting a grin. Well, except Teal'c. By now it looked as if his grin would split his head in half.

"What was that about!" Woolsey – as one of the officials – demanded. For half a moment Landry looked at the by-now-grinning SG-1. Then he shook his head and ushered the officials to his office.

And behind one of the computers O'Neill carefully leaned over towards Sam.

"You did get that on film, right?" he asked softly.

She finally grinned; the coast clear. "Yes sir!" she confirmed.


	3. Eish

_Disclaimer: We don't own Stargate – any version of it._

_Author's note: This little gem is for all South Africans – you can't have an all-SA writing group without including SGA-13. _

_Love,_

_Meagra Solace, DPB & Hubby._

_Oh, we really are South African: we do rugby, not football. Would anyone mind telling us which would be the biggest player in the football team?_

**Eish...**

At his controls Chuck shook as he lay on his arms. John Sheppard wasn't sure whether he was laughing or crying, but he was rather sure it had something to do with SGA-13. This unfortunate group had just arrived through the gate; bickering. As always. The only problem was that 'bickering' didn't start to describe the incredible noise the four made as they yelled at one another.

Strangely, though, it never seemed as if they were really angry at each other.

Desperately John looked around for someone to send down there to find out exactly what had happened this time. But the control room was deserted – except for Chuck. Elizabeth Weir had locked herself in her office; he could see her hard at work not being here. And who could blame her? He looked at Chuck, but not even John was so cruel as to make the young Canadian go down there and deal with Atlantis' all-South African team.

So the pilot sighed and descended the steps with leaden tread. Too bad neither Rodney McKay nor Radek Zelenka was here, but those two had long since learned to disappear when SGA-13 was due.

"Okay, what's going on here?" he interrupted the multi-lingual discussion/argument.

The big Zulu pilot of the group turned around at John's voice. The big black man was completely bald and built like a quarterback. He reminded John of Teal'c.

Sipho Nkozi flared his noticeable nostrils and shook his head, looking dejected. "Eish," he replied.

#####

_Four months ago..._

John Sheppard, Rodney McKay, Elizabeth Weir and Carson Beckett were gathered around the big conference table. Only hours ago Atlantis had received a data-burst with the personnel files of the new expedition members arriving within the week on the _Daedalus_. The IOA had decided some new blood would only benefit the expedition.

"This is an interesting folder," Weir told the room in general. The file she had in front of her was the recommended group of the newest SGA team, which would have the unfortunate designation of SGA-13.

"Well, don't hold us in suspense, love," Carson piped up. He, too, was frowning at a folder. All of them had a stack of files regarding their area of command. Weir had all the pre-packaged teams. Carson was looking over the files on the new medical staff joining Atlantis, while John was busy with the new marines and Rodney with the new scientists.

Yet this one folder, containing four separate files, seemed worth mentioning. The first file started out as this:

**Name: **Jakobus (Koos) Petrus van der Merwe.

**Date of birth: **1 April 1970.

**Place of origin: **Jammersdrif, Free State, Republic of South Africa.

**Languages: **Afrikaans (first language), English and Fanagalô.

"What the hell is that?" Rodney burst out. "Is that even a language, _fan-y-gay-loo_?"

The four of them looked at each other. It was a good bet they were pronouncing it wrong, Weir realised. But there was really no way she knew how to fix the problem. So instead of dignifying Rodney's question with an answer, she simply continued.

**Occupation: **Lieutenant Colonel, South African National Army: Special Operations.

**Training/Education: **Masters degree in Mechanical Engineering.

**Special skills: **First class sniper. Demolitions expert.

**Medical details: **See Appendix A.

**Recommended status:** Team leader.

**Notes: **Is a quiet, strong leader. Grew up on a farm and thus has a range of skills including tracking, hunting and basic husbandry. Has a slight problem with authority, but can be counted on to do that which is necessary. Is a bit of a maverick. Specially recommended by Helen Zille.

"Who's Helen Zille?" John asked. "And why would she recommend this man?"

Rodney shrugged. "Who cares," he told John. "But it sounds like you are going to have your hands full with that one," he grinned.

John smirked at the scientist.

To avoid an incident, Weir started reading the next file in front of her:

**Name: **Sipho Justice Nkozi.

"Justice?" Carson asked. "What kind of name is that?"

"This from a nation who would call their women 'Heather,'" Rodney smirked.

"True," Carson allowed. Weir continued.

**Date of birth: **16 December 1978.

**Place of origin: **Soweto, Gauteng, Republic of South Africa.

**Languages: **Zulu (first language), English and Afrikaans.

**Occupation: **Captain, South African Air Force.

Rodney grinned at John. "He's all yours," he told his friend.

But before John could answer, Elizabeth snapped at the two friends: "Do you two need a time out?" She glared at them, then continued with the file.

**Training/Education: **Bachelors degree in Applied African Religious Psychology. Level 2 First Aid.

"Not to be too fussy about it, but what does that mean?" Carson wondered out loud. It would seem Scotland had very little in common with Africa.

**Special skills: **Advanced driving.

**Medical details: **See Appendix A.

**Recommended status:** Pilot and second in command of team.

**Notes: **Is a strong-willed individual, but good to follow orders.

The four of them frowned at that last sentence. "Who wrote the report?" John asked.

Elizabeth skimmed to the bottom of the page. "Julius Malema," she replied. Seeing the rest of the 'personal touches' to the notes, she decided to skip them and proceed to the next file.

**Name: **Solly Naidoo.

**Date of birth: **2 September 1982.

"We should introduce him to the kids of M7G-677," Rodney quipped. Radek had recently suckered him into another visit and the experience still stung. He needed revenge and the twenty-four year old Naidoo would fit the bill.

**Place of origin: **Durban, Kwa-Zulu Natal, Republic of South Africa.

"Wait, another South African?" Elizabeth suddenly interrupted herself. Then she turned to the next file; curiosity all over her face. She lifted an eyebrow. "It seems we have an all-South African team on our hands," she informed her command staff.

"Really?" Rodney asked with new interest. He reached over to take the files from Weir, but she simply moved them out of his reach – without ever taking her eyes from the file she was reading. Rodney slumped back, but just then John leaned over and asked something of him.

Rodney frowned at his friend, but then he pulled his tablet closer, tapped in a few commands and moved it over to John. John frowned at the tablet. "Oh, so that's where South Africa is!" the pilot exclaimed. He looked up at the people gathered around the table. "Isn't that where all the lions walk around in the cities?"

Carson shook his head. "I really doubt that," he said. "But they do have a wonderful assortment of venomous snakes."

"Now," John drawled, "I would really like to know how you know that."

Carson grinned. "I was never the poodle type," he informed them.

Weir frowned and decided now was a good time to distract her people. Again. 

**Languages: **English.

"Well, that's how many languages I speak," John drawled.

"What about your Arabic?" Weir asked.

"It's more of an 'understanding' than a 'speaking,'" he explained.

Elizabeth nodded and tried again:

**Occupation: **Negotiator for the IOA.

**Training/Education: **Masters degree in Business Economics and Bachelors degree in Business Psychology.

**Special skills: **Negotiating. Logistics expert.

**Medical details: **See Appendix A.

**Recommended status:** Negotiator and logistics manager.

**Notes: **Recommended by both Mosiuoa Lekota and Richard Woolsey.

Elizabeth smiled wryly. "There's a personal note from Woolsey, wishing us all the best with this one and recommends us to keep both eyes on his hands when talking to him."

"What does that mean?" Rodney asked.

"Somehow I don't think anything good," John quipped.

"Anyone wants to hear about our final contestant?" Weir smiled.

**Name: **Johanna Petronella Plaatjies.

"Oh, holy Mary mother of Jesus, they didn't!" Carson exclaimed, spraying a mouthful of water all over the table.

"You know this person?" John asked.

"Hell yes," Carson replied. "She's a menace! They had to drag her from her last conference in handcuffs!"

"It was a heated debate, wasn't it?" John remarked.

"You don't know the half of it," Carson griped.

Once more Weir started reading to distract the three men, yet this time she, too, was interested in knowing who this Johanna was.

**Date of birth: **18 June 1969.

**Place of origin: **Cape Town, Western Cape, Republic of South Africa.

**Languages: **Afrikaans (first language) and English.

**Occupation: **Medical Doctor, SGC.

**Training/Education: **MD. Wrote thesis on the regression of aging in 2003.

**Special skills: **Trauma surgery and research.

**Medical details: **See Appendix A.

**Recommended status:** Team medic.

**Notes: **The team recommended was specially put together to give Plaatjies firsthand experience in the field with Wraith victims: might contribute in the research concerning the treatment of Wraith victims. Slight anger-management issues. Recommended by Patricia de Lille.

After reading this, Elizabeth looked up at Carson. "She seems to be the best-adjusted person of the lot?" she asked, raising an eyebrow.

"You really have to meet her to understand," Carson sighed.

"Yes, remember the handcuffs," Rodney added, pointing at nobody in general.

_Three days later..._

John, Elizabeth, Rodney and Carson had joined the marines waiting for the new arrivals to beam down. Not only were they expecting a sizeable shipment of coffee, the four of them were also interested in meeting the South African team.

Finally the time arrived for beam-down, and the new members of Atlantis appeared. It seemed the South Africans already knew each other, as they stood clumped together. Koos van der Merwe would be the Caucasian man with the beard. He was by far the biggest man in the group, with blonde hair and the bearing of a soldier. Sipho Nkozi would be the black man, almost as tall as Van der Merwe, but slighter. He seemed bored.

Behind the two men a cappuccino-coloured woman was holding a slight Indian man by one ear, dragging his head to the ground.

"Give it back!" she yelled in said ear.

"I tell you, I don't have it!" the small man whined. That must be Plaatjies and Naidoo, John surmised.

"I saw you take it, now give it back!" she yelled once more. John was beginning to understand Carson's fear.

"Hey, stoppit!" Van der Merwe barked: stringing the last two words together. Instantly the pair ceased their fighting. Johanna gave Naidoo a final smack behind the ear, but both seemed to think better of it than to continue with the fight.

Carefully the Atlanteans stepped forward and Weir introduced her people. But already John was looking at the huge container that had beamed down with the group.

"What's that?" he asked.

"It's just some necessary equipment," Naidoo whined. 'Whine' seemed to be his default setting.

For a moment John was inclined to let it slip, but something in their attitude made him just the slightest bit suspicious.

"Open it!" he demanded. At first it seemed the small Indian would whine about it, but then the big Van der Merwe barked once more.

"Just open the _blerrie_ thing."

"Yes, commandant," Sipho grimaced. He reached over and lifted the lid. John leaned over.

"What is that?" the colonel asked.

"_Mieliepap, biltong, _kudu meat and Castles," Van der Merwe explained.

"How did you get all of that past the SGC?" Rodney asked, awed.

"Ask Naidoo," Plaatjies explained.

"Well, I'll have to confiscate the beer," John told the group.

Sipho sighed and shook his head. "Eish..."

#####

Now, four months later John was still occasionally tempted to post the team back to earth. Except that Johanna Plaatjies seemed to be onto something with her research. And, even though they were strange, they were no less strange than the rest of the Atlanteans and seemed to have become part of the intricate tapestry of their lives in the Pegasus galaxy.

"Eish?" John echoed Sipho.

"Yes," Naidoo began, but John cut him off. If the small Indian started talking now, they would never unravel the truth from the rest of what he had to say.

"No, why don't..." and suddenly he knew he was standing on the brink of a decision. Plaatjies was just as bad as Naidoo, even though she would go at it differently. So was Nkozi. But Van der Merwe would say only a fraction of what needed to be said, living by the rule of understatement is the best policy.

"You know what, never mind," the colonel finally sighed. "Just go write your reports. I'll have Kavanagh make sense of them later. And mission debrief in two hours," he added as they left.

Just then he realised Elizabeth had joined him. Together they watched SGA-13 leave. Then Weir smiled. "Eish," she remarked.


	4. A day at the Zoo

_Disclaimer: We are poor enough so you can believe us we don't own any of the SGA characters, rights, yadda-yadda._

_Authors' note: Story by DPB and Meagra Solace – Hubby added some remarks. Silver Pixie and her Smiley went away for the weekend and The Terrorist is being terrible. Please note too that Meagra had to fight Belvella Drake for the right to make Miko a red panda – and won! Go girl!_

**A day at the zoo**

Elizabeth Weir and John Sheppard stood next to each other – close together, but not too close – on Elizabeth's balcony; watching Lorne and Cadman putting the younger marines through their routines. It was one of those perfect days: the day was balmy and calm, nobody was threatening Atlantis and the _Daedalus _was mere hours out; bringing coffee, chocolates and other supplies from home. Not even John had been able to spoil Elizabeth's mood even though he and Rodney McKay had had a scram earlier in the day. Rodney's coffee supply had run out two days ago and the scientist is suffering from withdrawal.

"I love watching Lorne working the marines," John drawled beside her. She cocked her head and smiled at him.

"Is that because you feel they are getting ready to defend the city, or because it's not you down there in the sun, yelling at the young people?" she slyly asked her military commander.

John smiled at her: that cocky half-smile she liked. "Probably the fact that I'm up here and they are down there," he admitted while pulling his shoulders back. He might joke about training, but Elizabeth was aware he set high standards for himself. He could probably outrun any of the young fitness-freaks down on the pier. Probably the only person on Atlantis that _could_ outrun John was Ronon. But Ronon had been a runner for seven years, and the term wasn't just a pretty name.

"Fortunately the _Daedalus_ will be here in a few hours," Elizabeth smiled, thinking how hot the marines will be after their exercise. "Caldwell had promised enough soap to last us no matter how long it took to the next supply-run."

"Yes," John slowly added. "He had also promised enough coffee to last us a while," the dark-haired man sneered.

With a smile Elizabeth looked down at the mug clasped between her hands. She really didn't mind switching to tea – in fact she rather liked the bracing Athosian blend Teyla had introduced her to.

Actually John was trying very hard to be nice today, and not even because Rodney had been an ass earlier. The problem was that that John had some troubling thoughts these past few weeks and he really didn't know how to deal with them. On any other occasion it would have been easier, but romance on Atlantis was proving to be a delicate subject.

While he stood musing – and enjoying the view of the marines hard at work – he heard a faint ripping noise, followed almost immediately by a clang. His mind was even faster than his reflexes and he identified the sound as that of Elizabeth's mug dropping to the floor. His head whipped around to see what had happened – she was not the clumsy type. But the space beside him was empty. Elizabeth had disappeared. A knot of fear suddenly made him feel breathless – almost as if a band was drawn tight around his chest.

It was then that he saw a movement out of the corner of his eye and looked down to where he had seen it. He frowned. On the ground next to him was a moving bundle of clothes. A bushy red tail with a white tuft at the end swished the fabric. Then suddenly a black nose peeked out from the collar of the top, followed by a dainty red muzzle and large ears.

"What the hell..." he growled. Growled? Why was he growling?

Confused, he looked down at his scruffy black paws resting on the railing. Carefully he looked around and found he had an equally scruffy tail attached to his behind. His pants had ripped off – _so that had been the ripping sound_ – but his black t-shirt had stretched enough to accommodate his lupine chest, but not enough to allow easy breathing. That was the strange pressure he was experiencing.

He dropped down from the railing to find the fox grinning at him. He snapped at her, but Elizabeth the fox nimbly ducked to the side. With a slight snarl he sat down on his haunches. Haunches – great. Elizabeth had turned into a nice red fox and he had ended up as a scruffy wolf. There was a scientist or two that really was going to get it!

But more immediate was the problem of getting his t-shirt off. Breathing was becoming a problem. With an inexperienced hind leg (he sincerely hoped he did not have fleas) he tried to scratch the shirt over his head. After a few moments he had to give up though, especially as he could hear Elizabeth laughing at him. He glared at her, but still she did not seem daunted. Instead she daintily (as a fox that term really did seem to describe her) got up and took a bit of cloth at the bottom of the shirt between her teeth. With a slight sigh he bent his head and she was able to pull the garment over his head and off. For quite a while he had wondered about getting undressed by her, but that tiny fantasy had never included paws and tails.

The moment he was fully undressed he suddenly thought about something. With a snap of teeth he got on his hind legs again. As a wolf he was tall enough to peer over the rail, and if he and Elizabeth had turned into animals, then you can bet the marines on the pier had turned into animals as well. Beside him Elizabeth the fox leapt up and sat on the rail beside him.

The sight below elicited a bark of laughter. On the pier stood three neat rows of _meerkats_ on their hind legs. A Japanese Macaque (golden monkey) was leaping up and down in front of them – obviously Lorne – chattering at them. Laura Cadman had turned into an otter and was now lying on her back in the water just off the pier; laughing, her hind legs idly flipping the water. John wondered why it seemed that the women were finding the strange transformation much funnier than the men.

With a wolfish grin he turned to look at Elizabeth, only to find her grinning back at him. Damn, naked together and they aren't even the same species!

For a moment they grinned at each other, but then – almost at he same moment – their grins faltered and without speaking a word they _knew_ what the other was thinking. It wasn't that they were so much attuned to one another (although, working together for a while now, that was a factor as well) as that there seemed to be some limited mental link between them. If they were lucky this held true for everyone – something that seemed likely, as John had known the monkey was Lorne and the otter was Cadman. And the thought running through their heads right now was that they had a city full of confused people out there – some cute and cuddly herbivores and some fierce carnivores.

They needed to get out there and restore some kind of order. Then they needed to get Rodney to sort out what had happened and how to reverse whatever Ancient device had been triggered!

Together the two of them turned and ran back into Atlantis. Fortunately John was tall enough to swipe a paw at the control crystals and open the doors.

As they passed through Elizabeth's office into the control room, they found a sloth hanging from a pillar. With confused and tired eyes Chuck stared at the fox and the wolf and for once neither animal found the sight very amusing. It suddenly occurred to them that they were in a heap of trouble if they had no way of using the Atlantis technology.

The two of them continued on through the city; John loping smoothly and Elizabeth trotting along beside him then in front and then some way off as she leapt and glided over, under and around objects and walkways. Just looking at her made him feel tired, but she seemed to be enjoying it.

As they passed through another corridor they suddenly heard a terrible noise. Interested, they detoured to see what the ruckus was about. Both slipped around the corner in the corridor, but almost immediately skidded to a halt.

The sight just confirmed the seriousness of their situation: stuck inside one of the small toilet stalls was an elephant. Whoever the person had been, had obviously transformed as he was finishing up in the toilet. But elephants are much too big to fit through an Atlantis-doorway. In fact, the elephant was too big to fit in the stall. So now the poor creature was stuck inside the stall, with one front leg, a tusk, his trunk, one ear and a baleful eye sticking out. Tatters of clothes – a science uniform – lay on the ground or hung from the gray animal. The scientist trumpeted and Elizabeth thought she had never heard a sadder sound in the entire world. They really needed to restore everyone to the way they need to be: for one reason Atlantis was too strong even for an elephant to break out of.

The two of them finally had to turn their back on the poor elephant and continue down the corridor. They were hoping to find Teyla and Ronon in the gym. Perhaps the two of them would be able to help on their quest.

A quiet run later (their feet made almost no sound) they reached the gym. The door stood open and fearsome growling could be heard inside. Immediately John took in the alpha-male position and Elizabeth mentally rolled her eyes at him. He only grinned over his shoulder at her before carefully padding into the gym; leaving her in the hallway.

Half a second later John backed out from the gym; all the hair on his back raised. Elizabeth cocked her head at him, but he just pushed at her side with his nose. Whatever he had found in there, he did not want her to see it. Dread and curiosity raged within her and she decided she had had enough of his alpha-male attitude. At best of times he was almost insufferably mucho, but as a scruffy black wolf he seemed to be even more so.

So nimbly she leapt over him and into the gym – only to realise he might have had a point in keeping her out of the room. As a wolf John would not have been in danger, but she was a fox and much smaller. And the two incredible creatures in the gym would be able to kill her in an instant. Besides, they seemed to be caught up in their altered forms.

As she stood transfixed, the male lion leapt at the just-slightly-smaller leopard. The leopard leapt aside and clawed at the lion. It took Elizabeth another heartbeat to raise her own hackles and back out of the room: only to bump into a pissed John. She had to admit: even as a wolf his face was extremely expressive.

#####

In the gym Ronon and Teyla circled one another. Both were exhilarated by their altered forms and their fighting-training had taken on a new dimension and intimacy. Their first act as large cats had been to literally tear the clothes from each other's bodies. Well, it sounded worse than it was: human clothing weren't made to fit onto lions and leopards.

With a growl Teyla the leopard leapt at Ronon, and the lion met her attack head on. On their hind feet now they locked their front legs and snapped at one another. Ronon had the advantage of weight and he pushed her back. With a growl she fell back on all fours and nimbly leapt aside as Ronon attacked. She swiped at him with a paw and managed to rip a shallow gash in his side.

It was as she was clawing Ronon that Teyla noticed the small red fox in the doorway: her hackles raised. Recognition took a moment and in that moment of distraction Ronon jumped at her, turned her on her back and pinned her to the floor of the gym. But Teyla was not interested in the fight anymore and she could see Ronon was picking up on her thoughts. The small fox had been Elizabeth – probably out checking up on everyone. Her heightened senses picked up another scent that she recognised as John. So John and Elizabeth were together. But where was the rest of her team; where was Rodney...oh, shit, Rodney! In the lab!

With a negligent flip of her paw she pushed Ronon off and leapt at the door. She grinned as she felt Ronon's presence right behind her.

#####

Rodney McKay decided this was the utter last time that Peter Kavanagh was going to screw things up for Atlantis. Rodney had warned the scientist not to mess with the new piece of equipment that they had brought to the lab yesterday, but the wining Kavanagh had not listened and now it seemed everyone had turned into animals. If they were lucky the effects were limited to the immediate area around the device.

For a while now Rodney had ranted at the changed Kavanagh, and the effect had been rather spectacular. Rodney had turned into a large orange Maine Coon cat and as such had a complete new spectrum of sounds to express his disgruntlement in. But after a while spitting, yowling and growling seemed insufficient.

And it has to be noted that Kavanagh had turned into a mean-looking gray rat with squinty eyes.

So now Rodney decided it was time to put an end to the miserable existence of the inferior scientist. Narrowing his eyes slightly, Rodney hunched down on his front legs, nails extending. A couple of times he clawed at the floor with his front paws and followed this by wiggling his hind legs; getting into perfect position for the perfect leap. He could see the fear in the mean little eyes of the rat.

Half a heartbeat later Rodney leapt; fully intent on ending Kavanagh. As a cat he had no problem with the idea at all.

As the Maine Coon was in the middle of the perfect pounce, large jaws closed gently but firmly around the scruff of his neck. One moment he was in mid-flight; the next he was hanging miserably in his own skin like a kitten. His legs were rendered useless and even more embarrassingly his beautiful fluffy tail curled up between his legs and seemed to grin at him.

Carefully he turned his head as far as it would go to find a leopard baring her teeth at him. Ah, Teyla. And he bet the big jaws around his skin belonged to Ronon. Probably another huge-assed feline.

"Pffft-pffft-pffft," he spit at them. The only comfort to be found in this whole situation was the fearful look on Kavanagh's face before the rat had scurried away beneath a console.

Together Teyla and Ronon turned around and left the lab with Rodney still dangling from the latter's mouth. Rodney would have to take some time for a nice bath as he could feel Ronon getting slobber all over him.

The three felines made their way down the corridors and Rodney realised they were headed for the infirmary. Great, as if Beckett would know the answer!

A minute later they entered the infirmary. Inside they found a small pony and an even smaller doggie yapping at one another. The pony had to be Jennifer Keller and Rodney realised he could not imagine her being anything else – except perhaps a unicorn. And the small Scottish terrier had to be Carson Beckett. As Rodney was dropped next to the doggie (yes, taking a quick look he saw Ronon was indeed a big feline), Rodney realised not only was Carson a Scottish terrier, he was a toy breed! Rodney was at least five times as big as the doctor!

Now the Scotty was yapping at him; probably scolding him for what has happened. With a flick of his tail Rodney sat down and looked at the small – very small – dog in front of him. He realised Ford had been correct years ago: it is nearly impossible to get Carson to shut up at times.

And Rodney was feeling irritated. As the small doggie turned his back on Rodney, Rodney lifted his right front paw. Almost negligently he extended the four razor-sharp nails and took aim. Unfortunately Rodney had not waited until Ronon and Teyla had left the room, and as he got ready to swipe at Carson, a big paw hit Rodney on the shoulder. Fortunately it had been Teyla and the only thing that got bruised was Rodney's ego as he went tumbling across the floor.

"Pffft-pffft-pffft!" he spat, but the look Teyla gave him ensured the cessation of all attempted attacks on Carson. Instead he simply flicked his tail as the two big felines sat down near the door. And was it just his imagination, or was the Shetland pony laughing at him?

#####

"Colonel Caldwell," the young technician reported, "I cannot contact Atlantis on the radio."

Caldwell shifted in his seat to look at the young woman. "Try again," the bald commander of the _Daedalus_ ordered. The Asgard-assisted ship had entered orbit around Lantea only moments ago and they needed clearance to land. If the shield was raised they would not be able to land.

"Sir, I have tried them again, but this is the only thing I can get," the young technician replied as she flipped a switch. Over the intercom came a sound that sounded rather like the bleating of a sheep.

"Lieutenant?" Caldwell asked, not really believing his ears.

#####

Elizabeth was silently keeping score of the animals – and the people beneath the fur – they had encountered so far and she was sure that though everyone had been turned into an animal, it also seemed everyone had been turned into a mammal.

Thus far the more interesting animals had been the lion and the leopard, the giraffe, the lemur, the elephant (poor guy) and the red panda. The panda had been accompanied by a goat and Elizabeth wondered at the device that had turned Radek Zelenka into such an animal. And wasn't the red panda native to the eastern parts of Asia? The geographical region Miko – the panda – had been turned into was from?

The same peculiar thought occurred to her when they entered the infirmary and found Carson had been turned into a _Scottish_ terrier. Perhaps all of them already carried a picture in their heads around of what type of creature they would have been and this is the animal they had been turned into. After all, could you imagine John being anything else than a scruffy wolf? And Ronon and Teyla were ideal in their shapes.

Of course they had to pass between the two intimidating sentinels as they entered the infirmary, and Elizabeth felt her hackles raising. Well, at least the two of them had stopped their fighting.

As Elizabeth and John entered the infirmary, Rodney suddenly realised this was probably the only chance he was going to get to escape. So while everyone was distracted by the entrance of the wolf and the fox, Rodney leapt onto the window sill and made his bid for freedom. As a cat he was nimble enough to scamper from one niche to another and into a window two floors up. He was not about to sit around and wait for everyone to eat one another. He needed to get to Radek and figure this thing out. If he remembered correctly the scientist had been working in one of the satellite labs only a floor from where he was now.

Rodney rounded a corner and entered the lab he had been looking for. Inside he indeed found Radek and his assistant – what was the girl's name again? Milo? Mimo? No, Miko!

It seemed the red panda and the goat were already getting things together in hopes of solving this crisis. In fact, Radek had his tablet in his mouth. Just too bad he was idly chewing on the corner in his mouth. A single spark flew as he shattered the screen and started chewing on the inner part of the device. When Radek turned back into a human he was going to be pissed.

#####

The beam dispersed and left the lieutenant in its wake. After the strange sound emanating from the intercom minutes ago, Caldwell had decided to send someone down to investigate. And the poor lieutenant had been picked.

As the young man stepped forward from where the transporter beam had dropped him, three animals walked into the gate-room. As they passed through the room the cat glared at the young man, the red panda squinted at him and the goat ignored him – too intent on chewing the tablet in his mouth.

The young man stood there, alone in the room except for the sound of dying tabled drifting in from the corridor.

He tapped his earpiece. "Sir," he began.

"_Report_!" Caldwell barked through the intercom.

"Sir, a cat, a panda and a goat just walked into the gate-room," the poor man tried to report. The silence that followed that statement seemed loaded with demotion.

"_Is this a joke_?" Caldwell finally asked.

"No, sir. Really, a cat, a panda and a goat had just walked through the gate-room. And I think there is a sheep in the control-room." The lieutenant knew there was no way to explain any of this and could see the end of his career.

"_I'll be right there,_" Caldwell sighed into the radio. Moments later Caldwell and a detachment of marines beamed down to join the young lieutenant in front of the quiet stargate.

By now another creature had entered the gate-room: some strange golden coloured monkey. It seemed to be trying to stand at attention, but the lieutenant wasn't really sure. For good measure he started lifting his hand to salute back.

Just then whatever had happened to the Lanteans became undone. Sparks flew off the golden monkey and suddenly the monkey was replaced by a very naked Evan Lorne – still trying to salute. But now the man was using his other hand to try and cover those parts that hadn't been embarrassing naked when he had been a monkey moments before.

"Welcome to Atlantis, sir," Lorne stammered.

#####

It was several hours later and everything was back to normal – as defined by the standards of Atlantis. Everyone was human and dressed again and the only casualty had been the toilet that the elephant had been stuck in. When everything had changed back John had been the one to slip a uniform into the toilet without looking to see who was stuck in there. In fact, he really didn't want to know.

But changing back had not solved every problem. The thing was that by now John was having very distracting thoughts – even more so than before.

What had happened was that the one moment everything had been fine – relatively so. He, the fox that was Elizabeth, the Ronon-lion and Teyla the leopard had been running down the corridor, intent on getting to the control-room and perhaps signalling for help. The next moment the four of them had literally bumped into one another as they changed back to their own shapes while running. It had been a moment of a lot of naked skin touching.

And _that_ was the real problem. They were all naked and, well, they were all naked. The women had tried to be cool about it and Ronon and John had been able to try and look away. But not before they had gotten a good feel of flesh and a good eyeful of naked woman.

Truth be told, Teyla was better toned than Elizabeth, but that hadn't bothered John. He had noticed Ronon noticing the shape of Teyla's body, though. And John had noticed Ronon noticing John noticing Elizabeth. Damn, this was getting confusing! He just really hoped he had been able to hide his noticing Elizabeth from Elizabeth!

#####

Elizabeth, John, Rodney, Teyla, Ronon and Caldwell were gathered around the big table in the conference-room. Everyone seemed to try not being obvious about the fact that they felt awkward about meeting one another's eyes. Well, at least _everyone_ had had an embarrassing moment or two. This did not make anything truly better, only a little less bad.

Even Caldwell seemed embarrassed and he had been dressed!

The purpose of the meeting was to determine the extent of damage to the city – besides one toilet – and whether the episode had truly ended or if they should expect a relapse. And who had been responsible, of course.

"I've looked at the device," Rodney explained, "and it seems to be another of those ascension devices. Only this one seemed to be the initial prototype." He smirked. "That's why we changed back after a while; it wasn't able to rewrite our DNA as much as the other device," and now his grin faltered, "I managed to trip the last time."

"Okay, but where did it come from?" Elizabeth asked, her eyes narrowed.

"Kavanagh found it in one of the abandoned labs down by pier three," Rodney explained.

"And who activated it?" John asked.

"Kavanagh," Rodney smirked.

Then Elizabeth frowned. She tapped her earpiece. "Kavanagh, could you come to the conference-room?" she demanded. But there was no answer. She tried again. "Kavanagh?"

She looked up at the rest of the people around the table. "Has anyone seen Kavanagh? I can't reach him on the radio."

As everyone looked at one another and shook their heads, Rodney reached into his pocket and withdrew something. Keeping his hand beneath the table, he slowly opened his fingers. He looked down at the purplish rat tail nestled there. Apparently any dead matter had not reverted back to its human shape.

Then he grinned and carefully put the thing back in his pocket.

#####

Somewhere deep in the bowels of the lab Kavanagh had little time to bemoan the loss of his pony tail. In fact, the only thing on his mind was getting out from behind the console he was stuck behind. He had still been hiding from McKay when he had transformed back to himself.

And as the rest of Atlantis went to bed that night, the only sound – if one listened hard enough – was the faint wimper from the lab: "Please, someone, help me!"

**The end.**

_Authors' note: infinity noticed the trend about the situations we get Kavanagh in. we're getting therapy, but we're not very hopeful, though._

_Also, we noticed the thing between John & Elizabeth and Ronon & Teyla developing, and we're working on an Infinity Sparky and Spanky._

_Note from DPB: Belvella, I'm sorry about the unicorn thing. Meagra had no part in that, really. Well, mostly..._

_**To insanity and beyond!**_


	5. A random musical reply

_Authors' note: Remember the story 'Random Musical Moments?' This is the next chapter in the Prank Wars (we'll explain some other day, maybe). Oh, and this is just written by Meagra Solace, Diabolical Pink Bunny and Hubby. Silver Pixie and Smiley just celebrated their 6 month anniversary (as in: they've met 6 months before) and therefore are busy somewhere else. Got it? And The Terrorist is still sleeping, even if it is lunchtime._

_Playlist: We built this city by Jefferson Starship_

**A Random Musical Reply**

They were all gathered in the SGC control room: SG-1, General Landry, Woolsey and two other IOA representatives. Except for the IOA people, everyone looked nervous. A few days ago, on the previous scheduled check-in from Atlantis, the IOA had sent a number of new regulations they expected the Atlantis expedition had to adhere to. And these past few years it had proven very difficult to get the Atlanteans to really adhere to anything Earth had to say.

And to be honest, Woolsey looked a little nervous as well. He had, after all, already realised al little of how difficult it was to boss people around that were thousands of light-years away. He sometimes wondered if the only reason the Atlanteans even still tried was because of the regular _Daedalus_ shipments of coffee and toilet paper – two essentials that seemed elusive in the Pegasus Galaxy.

Finally the Stargate started turning and Walter (who was there as well, but didn't really count as being part of the gathering) called out: "Scheduled wormhole incoming, receiving Atlantis IDC!" Landry was always happy when the wormhole was incoming (and Walter was on duty), for then the man (Walter) didn't have to repeat seven times: _chevron one (or two, three, four, five, six or seven) engaged_!

The blue light of the shimmering gate rippled over the walls and faces of those looking at it. Then – only moments later – the gate abruptly shut down.

Landry looked down at Walter, but Samantha Carter was already typing at another computer and he knew she would report the moment she had anything to report about. The men from the IOA wasn't as patient, though.

"What happened?" one of them barked. Landry thought his name might be Veltman, Fillman or Francis – he wasn't exactly sure. These IOA stooges all looked the same after a while. It was only Woolsey that stood out; mostly because he was the little gnat so often.

"I'm not sure," Sam replied. Landry notices Jack hovering near her; probably ready to defend her honour with a snappy remark if the IOA men tried anything intimidating.

######

The scene had shifted to the board room adjacent to the control room. Everyone from the control room was there (except Walter, but who would notice). And Daniel. He was locked in his office and when Landry had tried phoning him, the only thing the archaeologist had been able to get out over the phone was uncontrolled laughter. Landry looked around at the rest of the people around the table (Sam was standing near the big screen and looking down at her shoes and biting her lower lip). The sight was not comforting. Sam only ever avoided eye contact when the matter seemed too unbelievable or embarrassing. Sunk low in his seat and holding a file in front of his face, Jack appeared to be reading the report (first time ever). Then again, maybe not – there were definite sounds of snickering coming from his direction. Teal'c was grinning and this seemed to freak out the IOA people. Again. And suddenly a cold pit of dread formed in his belly. The last time this scene had been played out, there had been dancing marines in his gate room.

"Okay, report," he barked. He had the nasty suspicion the time for being nice had come and gone; taking a weeklong holiday in the Bahamas.

"Um," Sam began. She turned away and pointed at the screen. "After hours of decoding, it really does seem as if the following is the only thing Atlantis sent us. I, um," she faltered, "I _assume_ it is in reply to the IOA guidelines we sent them last week."

On _week_ she pressed 'play' on the remote and went to sit down next to Jack. On screen was the Atlantis gate room, with the lit stairs leading up to the control balcony behind them. On those stairs were gathered most of the Atlantis control staff: John Sheppard, Rodney McKay, Carson Beckett, Teyla, Ronon, Major Lorne, Doctor Zalenka and Doctor Keller. They were dressed in what seemed like something borrowed from Ronon's wardrobe. In fact, it seemed Rodney had even managed to find a wig with dreadlocks. And John had an exaggerated Ronon-like tattoo on one side of his neck and a crooked Pegasus on the other side. Landry suspected it had been done in the mirror, using a permanent marker. Radek had his hair done in the way Landry had seen him in the pictures smuggled in from Atlantis after the Czech had been stuck on M7G-677 (kiddie-planet) for a few days. Carson had used the same permanent marker on his face: he had a slightly crooked Pegasus drawn over one eye. It looked almost dashing. Almost.

Suddenly there was music pouring from the speakers. The very first notes announced the song as "We built this city." But this was not performed by Jefferson Starship. This was the Atlantis version; performed by the Atlanteans.

Landry could hear Jack sniggering as the Atlantis expedition started singing "We built this city; we built this city on rock and roll." Some of them were on note, but most weren't. In particular one could hear the Scottish accent of Carson and the deep monotone of Ronon. He looked very uncomfortable.

"What is this!" Veltman (he thought) of the IOA asked. Woolsey had lowered his head into his arms and Landry had the ugly suspicion the shaking of his shoulders was caused by suppressed laughter.

On screen John stepped forward for a brief solo: "Say you don't know me; or recognize my face."

Next up was Carson with his false notes and Scottish accent: "Say you don't care who goes to that kind of place."

Then Rodney stepped forward: "Knee deep in the hoopla..." The scientist trailed off and looked back over his shoulder. "What does 'hoopla' even mean?"

John kept his head turned forward and a smile on his face, but his eyes swivelled over to Rodney and he spoke from the side of his mouth. "Rodney, I thought we talked about this!"

"Yes, but really!" He looked at John (who was now glowering at him). "Oh, okay," Rodney mumbled. He turned back to the camera, but his whole bearing was that of a kid pressured into doing something embarrassing. "Knee deep in hoopla, sinking in your fight," he finished the lyric.

"Thank you very much," John whispered loudly. He was not very gracious about it.

Moments later Radek stepped forward and said something in Czech – aimed at Rodney – then, in an amazingly nice voice and on key, the scientist sang the next bit in his peculiar accent: "Too many Wraith eating up the night."

"See what I mean!" Rodney burst out again, waving his hands. "The Wraith doesn't eat the night!"

This time John turned towards Rodney. "What's wrong with you? We all agreed to do this thing!"

"I didn't!" Radek burst out. "Rodney said he would take the next call from M7G-677!"

Rodney looked huffed. "You weren't supposed to tell anyone. Besides, I only bribed you because John blackmailed me into doing it!"

"I lost a bet," Ronon added and Teyla nodded in agreement. "It wasn't a very fair bet, anyway," she added.

"Well, only Carson agreed to this willingly," John sneered. Carson looked hurt.

"Yes, and now we have to do everything all over again!" the doctor added.

"Oh, no we are not!" Rodney interjected. He pulled his wig off and his tablet from his back. "Dial earth, Chuck," he said before he started fiddling with the thing and John looked aghast.

"We can't send them this lot of nonsense! Not with you interrupting everything all the time!" the pilot told them. He turned towards Ronon. "Stop him!" he ordered. Just as Rodney pushed the (what they assumed) 'send' button, a red flash of light filled the screen.

The transmission ended.

"Is that it?" the other IOA person asked.

Sam looked embarrassed and looked down at her folded hands. "I'm afraid so," she told them.

As Landry tried to calm everyone (as in the two IOA representatives) down, he saw Jack lowering his folder and leaning over to Sam. "I'm a bit confused, will we award them the point or not?"

Landry really didn't want to know.

#####

Elizabeth sighed and wondered if there were enough painkillers in her drawer to buffer the effect of the fall-out this incident. She slowly lowered her head onto her folded arms. She had witnessed the whole thing – including Lieutenant Miller behind the camera, recording – from the balcony next to her office that overlooked the gate room. Down below lay an unconscious Rodney with John yelling at the Satedan that he never told him to _shoot_ Rodney, and Ronon telling John that at least he had tried stopping the scientist. The rest of them were just randomly accusing each other of things.

Finally she lifted her head and looked down at the chaos below. Her eyes immediately came to rest on John where he stood looking up at her and grinning. Then he had the audacity to wink at her!

She shook her head and smiled. Then she turned around and decided the best thing to do right now was to pretend she was unaware of certain actions taken by a certain group of Atlanteans. Maybe she could save all their careers.

But she had to agree: _they_ were the ones that had been defending Atlantis these past few years. It was rather arrogant of the IOA to think they had any right to dictate how Atlantis should be run. And she needed to have a talk with her military leader – the sooner the better!

As she walked in to her office, she wondered if Jack O'Neill was going to award them the point in the Prank Wars.

The End

_Oh and The Terrorist had woken up, so now he is awake and grumpy (which is his normal state) and he still had not helped with writing this. _

_To Insanity and Beyond!_


	6. Random Signs

_Disclaimer: We don't own SGA._

**Random Signs**

It started with Rodney McKay. But then again, much of what happens on Atlantis tends to start with Rodney McKay: and like most things that start there, it soon gains momentum and becomes an unstoppable force of nature that overwhelms the whole of the city and becomes Elizabeth Weir's problem to clean up.

It had been one of those days where the whole the city had been running around in an attempt to keep everything from flying apart. Blame the Genii: everyone else does. So that night, just as Rodney was about to lie down to sleep, he was not happy when his door beeped. He _sloffed_ over to the door and opened it.

"Whatever it is, Radek can take care of it," he said even before the door had slid open completely. He lifted his head wearily to see the worried face of Major Lorne peering back at him.

"Sorry, Doctor McKay," the young man responded. He looked weary. "I've already spoken to Doctor Zelenka and he told me to...um... Well, it was in Czech, but I suppose it was along the lines of me going away and asking you," he quickly explained. "The Stargate is broken."

Rodney sighed. "What's wrong with it?" he asked tiredly. Then something struck him as peculiar. "It's the middle of the night: where do you want to go?" he sarcastically asked. Lorne frowned.

"Nowhere," he replied. "But the Stargate isn't working."

Rodney looked up at the ceiling, probably in search of answers. Then he looked down and nodded slightly. "I'll be right there," he told the young Major. Lorne nodded and marched back the way he had come.

Ten minutes later Rodney _sloffed_ into the gate room, wearing blue slippers, yellow smiley-face pajama pants and his 'I'm with genius' t-shirt. Without acknowledging anyone he went up to the Stargate and stuck a piece of cardboard with a sign on it onto the gate with duck tape. In silence the scientist turned and headed back to bed. Lorne frowned and went down to the gate to read the sign.

The sign read:

_Stargate closed. Use rainbow._

The next morning, of course, it was Elizabeth's job to head down to the main lab to try and sort out the mess of last night. When she had entered the control room this morning, a huffed Lorne had awaited her with a story and a cardboard sign. Actually she had found it rather amusing, but one look at Lorne had warned her that the young man was on the edge of breaking. So she had sent him to bed before herself heading down the stairs to the lab. But as she approached the lab, she saw another hand-written sign; this one attached to the door of the lab. It read:

_We, the willing, lead by the unknowing are doing the impossible for the ungrateful. We have done so much for so long with so little, we are now qualified to do everything with nothing._

She frowned. The handwriting looked unfamiliar. Carefully she pulled the sign from the door and entered the lab. Everyone seemed hard at work and she homed in on her target.

"Rodney," she said as she stopped beside him and handed him the sign of last night. "Would you care to explain this?" she demanded. He looked at the cardboard.

"No, not really," he replied. She glared at him and handed him the second sign.

"And this?" she asked. He was unperturbed by her stare: one of the few on Atlantis.

"That one I had nothing to do with," he exclaimed.

"Rodney..." she began, but he looked at her.

"Look, last night I was tired and irritable," he finally explained and she nearly grinned. Rodney's usual mode was 'irritable.' "But I really had nothing to do with the other sign."

Elizabeth sighed. "No more signs, okay," she told Rodney and went back to her office: satisfied the matter had been settled.

That afternoon, unaware of Elizabeth and Rodney's little conversation, Lorne woke with the feeling that he had behaved like a spoil-sport. He knew he was usually too serious about things, but then again: the marines usually gave him grief about the fact that he was air-force. The two arms of the military did not really like one another all that much. So Lorne decided it was the ideal time to make some amends.

That was why, as SGA-1 gathered in the gate-room for their mission, Lorne idly walked past and put up his own sign. No-one noticed it at first, and by the time anyone did, it was too late, for stuck onto Ronon's disappearing back was a sign that read:

_Sometimes I aim to please, but mostly I just shoot to kill._

The fourth sign to appear actually had nothing to do with the previous three and at the time Rodney had not meant for it to be interpreted as thus. The things was that one of the new and bright-eyed scientists that had come in on the _Deadalus_ a few months back had not listened when Rodney had explained to him the intricacies of Ancient technology and the young man had gotten hurt. So when Rodney walked into the room where the drone chair stood and found the young man meddling with it, he had walked over and stuck a hastily-written sign onto the chair:

_Warning: this machine has no brain. Use your own._

The next sign appeared later that day on Heightmeyer's door:

_I used to have super-powers, but my therapist took them away._

Kate was not amused, but the slow snowball of last night was gaining that inevitable momentum.

The next morning Lorne and his team entered the marine prep-room to find a sign on his locked door. He had no idea how Ronon had figured it out that he had been the one to stick the sign on his back, but Lorne knew without a doubt that the one on his locker door was from the big Satedan: it was stuck to the locker door with a knife jammed into the thin metal. The sign read:

_Warning: if the Wraith chase us, I'm tripping you._

Lorne wasn't sure how serious the big man was about the threat, though. He made a mental note not to volunteer for any missions that Ronon went on for the foreseeable future.

That same day a number of other signs sprouted on Atlantis. When next Elizabeth passed the main lab, she found it sporting a new sign in the place of the one she had removed earlier that week:

_Warning: if the help-desk thinks your question is stupid, we will set you on fire._

Chuck reported that someone had been out to the east pier, and when John returned after checking it out, he held up a damp sign to Elizabeth. "Someone had posted it right at the end of the pier," he explained the sign that read:

_Mind the step._

It seemed that especially the scientists had gotten into the swing of things, for the next morning their lab sported a new sign:

_Time-travel seminar to be held in the mess last Wednesday. Book places next Thursday._

Even the midway station between Atlantis and earth had its share of signs. On the station, next to the gate going to earth, someone had posted a neatly printed sign:

_Follow the yellow-brick road._

Not to be outdone by the Atlanteans, someone on the team of IOA personnel had posted a sign on the opposite gate; the one leading to Atlantis:

_Warning to tourists: do not laugh at the natives._

That afternoon Chuck merely frowned as SGA-12, the team of geologists, went through the gate for a five-day exploration of some unusual rock-strata on M8L-345. Stuck on the back of their MALP was a bumper sticker:

_Geologists rocks._

The first signs that things were getting out of hand was when Sheppard announced that he was going to require the science department to participate in a fitness program and the scientists' only response was a fourth sign taped to the main lab's door:

_Notice: This department requires no physical fitness program. Everyone gets enough exercise jumping to conclusions, flying off the handle, running down the boss, knifing friends in the back, dodging responsibility and pushing their luck._

John noticed the writing was in Rodney's hand. John felt this could not continue and reported it to Elizabeth: the scientists were not his department after all. So with a sigh she went and explained to the scientists that:

Signs posted on the lab door were not a proper way of communication.

Given the nature of their posting here on Atlantis, they needed to be fit.

If John told them to get into shape, they will.

She did not want to see another sign anywhere in Atlantis.

As she left the ruffled scientists in the lab, Radek slid over to Rodney. "What about the one we left on the pier?" he asked. Rodney sighed and patted Radek on the shoulder.

"I have an idea," he promised.

Later that day Elizabeth and SGA-1 gathered in the conference room to plan their next step in the continued talks with the Genii. Rodney was late and when he finally entered he was holding a stack of manila folders. Without a word he handed one to each of those gathered in the room.

"Sorry I'm late," he apologised. "But I've been giving the situation with the Genii some thought," he explained. "Brilliant scientist that I am, I have finally managed to come up with a viable solution. If you will open your folders, you will find my recommendation."

Carefully Elisabeth opened her file. Inside was a single blank sheet of paper. Stuck onto it, though, was a yellow sticky-note. It read:

_If you can't convince them; confuse them._

She glared witheringly at Rodney. "I thought I told you to stop this nonsense," she told him.

Rodney shrugged. "I was crossing my fingers behind my back," he smugly informed her.

Just before she could explode, Caldwell, the last person they had been waiting for, walked into the conference room. He seemed pissed.

"What's the meaning of this?" he demanded and held out a tablet at Elisabeth. With iron control she nodded at Caldwell and took the tablet from him without any expression.

"Welcome, Colonel," she greeted him before looking at the tablet.

"I do not appreciate being made a fool of," he responded and she finally knew she had no reason not to look at the tablet anymore. She feared the worst.

On the tablet was a digital picture: obviously one taken by the _Daedalus_ as it was landing on Atlantis. It was slightly fuzzy, but none the less she could make out the elaborate sign painted on the pier where the _Daedalus_ usually landed:

_Do not park here. The wrath of the Ancients will fall upon your head. Your shoelaces will not stay tied, rabid squirrels will invade your home, food in your refrigerator will mysteriously spoil, your starship will start making that expensive knocking sound again and no-one will talk to you at parties._

Elizabeth nearly cried. But instead she coolly looked at Caldwell and smiled slightly. "I'm sorry, Colonel, but some members of my team have been amusing themselves with random signs all over the station," she mildly explained.

"So I've heard," the balding man barked. "Do I need to remind you that if you can't keep a leash on these people, the IOA will have to replace you?" he demanded.

Elizabeth narrowed her eyes at him. "You have no say in what happens in this city. I will find the culprits and I will deal with them as I see fit, do you understand?" she told him. He seemed unimpressed.

"Just make sure none of them try anything with my ship," he finally said.

Elizabeth merely glared at the Colonel before turning to Rodney. "Will you pass out the files _I_ have prepared," she firmly told him. With a sigh he complied and the meeting went relatively smoothly after that.

Elizabeth was still strung out when the meeting adjourned an hour later and she dismissed her team. She left the conference room without any delay to go cool off in her office, only to find a sign taped to her door:

_Meddle not in the affairs of dragons; for you are crunchy and good with ketchup._

Already at the end of her tether, she snapped. Without turning she simply called to Chuck: "Chuck, put on city-wide." A moment later she heard the faint sound she knew meant the channel was open. She reached up and took the sign from her door as she started speaking.

"Atlantis, this is Doctor Weir. As of this moment anyone found putting up a sign, sticker or note not approved by me will face severe consequences." She scrunched up the sign and entered her office. "I have been tolerant to your amusements, but it stops right now. Your jokes are causing me and you more harm than good." With that she tapped the earpiece and the line went dead. With an angry flick of her wrist she chucked the piece of paper into the waste basket and sat down behind her desk; pulling her laptop over. Angrily she started working on the reports that had come in that morning.

It was about an hour later that there came a knock on her office door. Wearily she lifted her head and called: "Come in."

The door opened and John and Rodney came in; manhandling a huge roll between them. She pushed her laptop away and looked at them.

"Um, well..." John began. Then he held up a finger and winked. "Let's just show you."

Between the two of them they made the big roll stand and unrolled it. It turned out to be a huge sticker on which was written:

_How's my flying? Contact Colonel Caldwell on channel 56._

Elizabeth refused to say a word; merely glared at the two men.

John tried again: "This is us, saying we're sorry," he explained. Elizabeth looked over at Rodney. He shrugged.

"You're right: we did go too far. But he had no right to talk to you that way," the scientist said.

Elizabeth finally smiled.

#####

Later that week Elizabeth, John, Rodney, Teyla and Ronon stood on Elizabeth's balcony. Together they were watching the _Daedalus_ depart. Idly Ronon handed the binoculars to Teyla and wondered out loud:

"So, how long do you think before Caldwell discovers that bumper-sticker?" Elizabeth smiled as she watched the ship speed away with the huge sticker reflecting red in the late afternoon sun.


End file.
